2021.09.22 01:07 death_or_die 増え続ける「難しい症例」、多彩化するコロナ重症の病態
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2021.09.22 01:07 Yonny_Melabo Tranquilos, todo esta bajo control
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2021.09.22 01:07 the_lord_of_the_pigs Louis Jean Desprez - Chimera, ca.1780
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2021.09.22 01:07 _khaz89_ HMB Boys I've a bag to punch...
2021.09.22 01:07 Ze_insane_Medic I need some kind words or advice...
Preamble Alright, so I'm not 100% sure what I want to accomplish with this, it even feels weird to type this out, I am just hoping to get some advice or vent at the very least... I feel like I have a lot to unpack here which is why I want to apologise for a load of text that is to follow. Sadly, I don't know how I could've shortened it, as I feel like for a full perspective, this information is needed. I'm trying to organise it into chapters, so it's less of an eyesore to read. But if anyone reads the whole thing and responds to me, it would mean a lot. Most of the actual issues appear at the end but I feel like the background might be needed.
Introduction I am a soon-to-be 24 year old gay man (it feels weird to type that, I don't feel adult at all) from a super rural area in Germany. My town has like 500 people living here, so it's really in the middle of nowhere. I'm a university student who is currently doing his Master's degree and I work at the same university part-time, helping a professor. I don't earn enough to live on my own, thanks to exploding rent, it'd be at least 80% of my total monthly income, so I still have to live with my parents.
Childhood and teenage years In elementary school, I was the teacher's favourite. There is no way around saying that. I was considered the absolute best in class and, in retrospect, was often praised for stuff, even if it wasn't necassarily better than anyone else's work. Of course it made me feel good about myself and it made a lot of other kids not like me. I wasn't even perfect, in fact I was so obsessed with being good, that I often got angry and threw a tantrum when I didn't succeed at something. I never hurt anybody but I do remember throwing chairs around the classroom. At the end of elementary school, this happened less and less frequently and I remember the teacher telling me that she's happy my "rage outbursts" have lessened. I don't really remember much about it because it's so long in the past but I feel like it's important enough to mention. This was barely ever adressed by either my parents or the teachers.
Despite being hated for being the teacher's favourite, I still had two friends. Both of them lived in the same town. We would hang out almost daily, play video games, play at a pond, walk around the empty fields and forests or ride the bicycle. It was fun times and we never actually did anything bad that would get us into trouble. One day, one of my friends had moved away. So far away in fact that I have never seen him again.
This led me to only have the other friend left. We would still hang out daily, as we grew older into early teenage years, we'd hang out even more, even longer, sometimes even at night to walk around the forest with just flashlights and get scared by wild pigs. I have grown so close to this guy that I think at some point I did actually develop a crush on him. In retrospect, I didn't know what that was at the time. I will pick that topic up later again**.** Point in case, I was very close to him but he also eventually moved away with his family. This time, it was much closer but still pretty far. At 16, I was allowed to drive a moped which I would use to visit him from time to time. We'd still hang out every now and then but that also happened less and less up to a point where we stopped meeting and talking entirely.
Back then, my stupid small town didn't even have proper internet. No way to play games together or just be in a voice chat. We'd sometimes talk over the phone until late at night but that was never perfect nor did my mom like it.
Going into middle school, it went great at first but I slowly started to realise how I am not as great as elementary school taught me to think of myself. Just innately knowing things didn't work anymore and I would regularily get bad grades until I learnt that I actually need to study to accomplish anything. Grades that I very hesitently told my parents about, because they really didn't like that. I did not have many friends there either, I became extremly shy and awkward (I would still describe myself as that), would often get made fun and at one point was bullied quite badly for it. I was punched in the face once out of nowhere (not beaten up) but what actually stuck more to me was four guys shoving me into a bush and spitting on me, even while I was getting up and running away, they kept spitting on me. I remember screaming some incoherent shit at them in retailiation, which was obviously not a very productive way to react.
This later got better during highschool, I wasn't bullied but I was very much so an outsider with just a few friends, who I also, except for two, tragically don't have contact to anymore.
Parents My parents did not help me with these bullies at all. When I told them about it, they essentially blamed me for letting myself get bullied and suggested I'd beat them up. I was, and still am, short and weak as heck. No way I could've done anything, so I just let it keep happening until it stopped.
In general, my parents never really seemed to have shown emotional interest in me. If I ever raised any concerns, it would always be them telling me I'm too sensitive and need to toughen up and my sister always laughed at me when I told her about any of my interests. This led me to simply never talk about anything personal with them. All we talk about is other people, our pets or things that are happening in the world. Nobody really talks about how they're feeling in this household or what they like doing. It's gotten me to a point where I am almost kind of secretive about my hobbies. I don't like them seeing me what I do on my phone or computer, I don't want them to know how I feel. I'm not saying this to demonise them, I think a lot of this is actually unintentional by them and they do care about me, just mostly academically, what kind of grades I get and stuff. There was also never a problem with no food or anything like that, really just a lack of emotions kind of...
Coming to terms with being gay The lack of internet has really shielded me from connecting with people and learning about the world, in particular my homosexuality. My parents are pretty conservative, so as a kid, I got a lot to hear about how bad gay people are, how it's immoral and disgusting. I full on soaked this up and was pretty homophobic myself... yeah see where that one's going. I started to find a lot of guys attractive in middle school, dreamed about kissing them but it never clicked in my head what any of that meant. As I slowly began to maybe realise it a bit, I didn't want it to be true, after all, I did have a girlfriend in elementary school - full on ignoring the fact that my sister forced me to be together with her after she kept asking me what girl I was attracted to and eventually just said a random name; she broke up with me at the start of middle school when she realised I clearly wasn't interested, we met like once a month and I wouldn't even kiss her most of the time lmao
Anyway, I kept this internal conflict to just myself, it would just be grounds for more bullies or my parents hating me. It was actually until high school where the internet became a thing in my town and I was able to... "explore" my sexuality. Not only that though, it opened a whole new world to me outside of the repressive, close-minded world view I was previously exposed to. I slowly began to accept myself for who I am but that wouldn't mean others would accept me. As mentioned before, I am somewhat conditioned at that point to not show emotion and I'm often told I don't "look" gay, whatever that means, so nobody ever suspected anything.
University As mentioned before, I live in fuck-all nowhere, so Uni is pretty far away from me. I had a very long commute every day that I could never fix because as mentioned in the intro, I can't exactly move, thanks to Covid tho, studying from home has really been a blessing for me. This distance has led to me being physically drained a lot when I got home and I haven't really ever met with friends from there outside of Uni. I have difficulties telling them much about me, barely any of them know my hobbies and only one of them even knows I'm gay, despite this being quite an open environment, I still can't really open up and be myself. Plus, it drains a lot of energy from me, especially before Covid.
Once again, alone. Alone physically and mentally. I have made a lot of friends online the past couple of years which really do help. It's much easier for me to open up, one of them even visited me in real life before, but it's really sad how they know me better than anyone in real life.
Relationship and Coming Out One day at 21 I snapped, I felt so alone and so repressed in my sexuality that I downloaded Tinder in secret (no way I'd ever meet any gay person here in fuck-all nowhere). I chatted with some guys over several weeks and one of them was so nice that we met in person. I met him secretly, only to break out into tears one week later, coming out to my sister in a shopping mall first and her telling our parents that same day. The reception is mixed, my sister still doesn't quite believe me that I'm gay, apparently I don't appear gay enough, my mom straight up told me part of me died to her when I came out and she and my sister often make fun of me because of it. And my dad doesn't care that much, he only doesn't want me to show it outside, i.e. kiss my then boyfriend (the guy I met on Tinder) in town.
We have only been together for about half a year but it has really opened my eyes in many ways. He came from a bigger city, his family was accepting of him and he was able to talk with his family as if they were his friends. It stuck to me how different this all could be.
I really, really loved him and I felt loved. I could open up to him more than I could with anybody else but I always had this burning worry that'd he'd leave me. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough and I was really afraid to show affection in public. I would constantly worry about a text message of his taking longer than 10 minutes to respond to me and I knew this was wrong, I knew I shouldn't feel this way but I constantly drowned in fear and self-blame over this. One day he broke up with me, apparently I was being a little bit annoying and he felt like he couldn't provide me with the amount of time I would love to spend with him (we often only saw each other during the weekends because of the distance). So I don't even know if I was really just asking too much, if I am that needy or if it was something on his end because seeing each other 2 out of 7 days doesn't seem much to me.
After the breakup After the breakup I fell into a really dark phase. I never cried at home or around friends, but I cried almost daily in my car and in my room. Someone so important to me was now gone. In the same year, I also lost several pets and both of my uncles. It was super rough. I felt like the world was closing in on me, my time is running out, and to be quite fair, I still feel this way to this day. To a degree, I felt like this since high school. As if the time is running out, as if I am going to die soon. In a way the thought is comforting because it feels like nothing matters, in another way it feels like I am running out of time to do and experience all the things in life.
I sunk a lot of time into personal hobbies after the breakup, trying to distract myself, until ultimately losing interest in most of them and jumping from one thing to fixate on to another, this still happens to this day.
The issues Today I spend most of my days, where I am not working, either pointlessly browsing the web, watching youtube, playing video games, chatting with online friends, or another random hobby project that I will lose interest in one month later. I find it difficult to really stay focused on stuff that doesn't interest me a lot. If I have to do it, I will do it late at night because I couldn't bring myself to do it earlier. The night is comforting to me, it feels like there is no stress, everything is calm and nobody will interrupt me.
I am extremely jumpy whenever I hear noises, whenever it sounds like someone is coming into my room. As mentioned before, I am pretty secretive about everything, so I don't want anyone to see, even though it's totally innocent.
I constantly worry about everything, I look up everything about a place before I go there, I plan and plan and plan and plan everything, be it a phone call, going somewhere, simply deciding which one out of a 5€ cheaply made garbage product to buy... I can't help myself but to look everything up. And most of the time, it still ends in chaos, me stumbling over my words, my throat nearly drying up when I speak to a stranger, or this complete trance state I get when in a public space with lots of people or in a chaotic situation. I completely fucking dissociate. This ranges from when someone yells at me to simply being in a supermarket getting close to the cashier.
And often people talk to me, I hear them talk but the words don't mean anything and I have to ask "HUH?", sometimes even twice in a row.
I mentioned the tantrums in elementary school, I actually I should say that I often get irrationally angry towards my sister because she keeps treating me like a child and always seems to be baseline angry at me for no reason as well.
What sparked this whole thing is another thing with me making this post at all is another thing: I oftentimes randomly get nervous and scared as fuck. My legs and arms feel weird and my stomach is partially going sick, as if something hugely dreadful is laying upon me but I don't really know why. An online friend said that might be an anxiety attack but this doesn't just last for a few minutes, it lasts for several hours. Yesterday, I felt this way for maybe 4 hours at once. It was so awful that I finally had to make this post because I'm genuinly starting to get scared about my mental wellbeing.
I can't really get therapy because I still live with my parents and they would give me so much shit for this. They believe people who get therapy are making it up so they don't have to work anymore or want attention. It's so fucked up, I don't know what to do.
Outro I am so sorry for typing all of this, I am pretty sure most of it is useless fluff, because most is written in the back but I felt like all this background really was needed. I appreciate ANYTHING as a response, I feel so bad having typed all of this down, it almost doesn't even feel real to me. Sometimes all this stuff feels super real but talking about it makes it feel like I kinda make it up, it's super hard to describe.
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2021.09.22 01:07 SnipingArms (Nosler) Varmegeddon 300 AAC Blackout 110gr. 34.99 CPR:(1.74) Quantity: 20
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2021.09.22 01:07 prawnbiryani 💗☁🍦🌸🧁🤍🦩
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2021.09.22 01:07 Thebrianna24 My man can shoot some amazing and yummy ropes from his cock. This is the second rope of him cumming all over my face.
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2021.09.22 01:07 knoggl I just released my social network app for testing on TestFlight!
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2021.09.22 01:07 Em_Busca_Das_Coisas sick of all this
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2021.09.22 01:07 toroma97 Did servers crashed?
2021.09.22 01:07 Almond_Milk_1 Autopsy confirms remains found in Wyoming are Gabby Petito's
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2021.09.22 01:07 TheOnlyZro Hood Outlaws & Legends - Everything We Want
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2021.09.22 01:07 ilovegetawaycar anyone have any of my isos? 🦋
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2021.09.22 01:07 Ripkemstair Why lol dirk look like the dog go off fortnite
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2021.09.22 01:07 Forrestpower The Conor McGregor Problem! - Warzone Trio Win
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2021.09.22 01:07 JaffaCakeLad It peeves me off that Synapse released two cuts of Thriller (1973)
So just a short little venty post here- I'm kinda miffed that there are two DVD releases of Thriller by Synapse, one being the "They Call Her One Eye" cut and the other being the original "A Cruel Picture" cut. Both of them say on the package that they're uncut, even though the One Eye edition is in fact not uncut. There are three minutes missing. And you wouldn't know that unless you researched it or were already familiar with the various cuts the movie went through when it came out.
So now I have to go shell out 30 dollars for a copy of the Cruel Picture cut (which is LE by the way, not that it's especially hard to get), after I already bought the One Eye cut a few months ago thinking I was all good. I get really frustrated when labels pull this crap. Just put all the cuts in the same package and charge one price.
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2021.09.22 01:07 TrickyTalon What is the more-known title for Book 4?
2021.09.22 01:07 LambentEnigma Sakuna of Rice and Ruin - Winding Roots
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2021.09.22 01:07 Hay-Tha-Soe You can be triple vaxxed and still considered anti-vax if you don’t support mandates, according to Merriam Webster.
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2021.09.22 01:07 worldnewsbot German minister: Submarine dispute is 'a wake-up call'
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2021.09.22 01:07 prawnbiryani 💗☁🍦🌸🧁🤍🦩
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2021.09.22 01:07 Spiritual_Barber_312 Hot damn it MUST be good!
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2021.09.22 01:07 doomydoom- Why does smoking weed make you feel like you’re dying?